I had a friend say to me today that he thought my best days were ahead of me. I was not upset by that statement and thought it was nice for him to say such a thing. But it got me thinking whether that statement would be valid from my own perception.

As a veteran Americans slept safely in their beds at night because I did violence on thier behalf. As a veteran the guys on my team were my best friends, they were my family. Through them I have three god-children. I protected the world by attacking Aidid in Somalia, war criminals in Bosnia, Bin Laden in Afghanistan, and Saddam and his sons in Iraq. If they were not taken care of, they were put on the run and have no safe haven to stay in. Every veteran could tell a similar story of making a difference with their life. I still believe I can do great things with my life and that is why I am attempting a career as a RN in the VA. But it still goes back to being a veteran, because my heart goes out to those who have served. I struggle each day with memories of losses and horrible things I had to accomplish but you know what? If I had to do it all over again? I would. My greatest joys were moments I shared with my guys. Jumping out of a plane at 25,000 ft, or looking in their eyes just prior to a firefight not sure if that would be the last moment; because I was in awe of what great men they were and I happened to be a part of them, and what we did that moment made a difference. Those were the best days.

Part of dealing with PTSD is you are always in that combat mode of being defensive and aggressive. You have to come to grips with those feelings. I am getting a weapon shipped from Iowa to here in Idaho. The process is, it goes from one dealer to the next. Each dealer wanted the fax number first. I felt the sales people were insulted, and I thought it was best to contact the manager. He said he heard the entire conversation and I was loud. I was being defensive and aggressive. And to my own wonder I apologized. I did not grab the salesman by his neck and pull him across the counter, and continue to banter like a rooster. I took control of my actions and realized where I was..I was home no longer overseas.

To the civilian that may seem no large deal but to a veteran it is no small task. Whether like me you have been in a combat zone for twenty years or one deployment, as a soldier you must control the situation. But now back in the states you learn to communicate and being respectful of others. The man behind the counter was not my enemy he was doing his job.

So I say this so the veteran knows he is not alone and more importantly to know you can control your feelings and act differently than what you are used to. By the way, when I left the parking lot a driver honked at me and flipped me off when I thought I was supposed to stop at an intersection and actually had the right of way. Do you want to know my reaction? I actually laughed.

Listed below are the most primary responses veterans exhibit as a result of stress while in combat zones. This list will help you recognize and understand the symptom whether the veteran be a loved one, or as a veteran wondering what is happening to me.(Tom Williams, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A Handbook for Clinicians, 1987, Appendix I)
Depression
Cynicism and distrust of government and authority
Anger
Alienation
Isolation
Sleep Disturbance
Poor concentration
Tendency to react under stress with survival tactics
Psychic or emotional numbing
Negative self image
Memory impairment
Emotional constriction
Hypersensitivity to justice
Loss of interest in work and activities
Problems with intimate relationships
Survivor guilt
Difficulty with authority figures
Hyper Alertness-Hyper Arousal
Avoidance of activities that arouse memories of traumas in war zone
Emotional distance from family and friends
Self decieving and self punishing patterns of behavior, such as an inability to talk about war experiences , fear of losing others, and a tendency to fits of rage
Sucidial thoughts and feelings
Flashbacks to dangers and combat
Fantasies of retaliation and destruction
high risk employment and recreation

Hi. I always want to let a veteran know he is not alone and to inform the public of us veterans and for some of us the ongoing war of PTSD. Well, today I am tearing down my walls and telling you about my day. Maybe by doing that it will help someone who is hurting.

Some of my days are better than others. The last couple of days have been tough and wonder if I will ever “belong” again. I have a good life here in Idaho, I am dating someone, starting college in May, and am back in the mountains. Yet I feel like I am looking into another world, a world where I do not have the right to belong. My career in the Army as a shooter in a special operations unit was a hard life, a life consisting of living or dying at any moment, sometimes losing my friends, and sacrificing so much; yet i wish I was back chasing terrorists in Afghanistan or wherever.

I am not a War Monger. I just fit in. Whether it be in Mogidisu, Baghdad, Bosnia, Afganistan, etc; the place is not the issue things were just more simple there. When you have PTSD your world is turned upside down in that traumatic events do not cause you any pain but simple events do. Such as driving in traffic, or where to sit in a restaurant. PTSD is not an illness and some say it is, but a defense mechanism of survival. Its your mind adapting and overcoming horrendous events and then when you come home there is no home. Your family and friends seem like a fantasy book you read as a kid or the person they love you are not that person anymore. Its just easier to be in Afghanistan.

I want to belong here, every veteran does. You just wonder it is possible anymore. You have these extraordinary skills which are not necessary anymore and for me I am embarrassed about them. I mean what do you say when they ask what are you good at? Well for the last number of years I have been pretty good at killing bad guys and staying alive. That is not fitting in and that is not belonging.

To my fellow veterans I say this: Do not give up, ever. It is a daily struggle and you must overcome. Your country still needs you. You understand the cost of freedom and how fragile life really is. You must share the zest of who you are. The things that made you successful in the military you must pass on..your bravery, endurance, leadership skills; anything you can think of. You are valued. Maybe we do not belong anymore, we have had to change so much. But we can live for those we care about and for other veterans. So you must overcome the daily struggle and not only live, but live well.

When a veteran comes home or they find out you are a veteran the question they want to ask is, “Are You Ok?” They want to hear you are ok. After that most people want you to shut up, go away, and not talk about combat. If you begin to talk in detail about the life in combat you have been living in, whether its one deployment or twenty years, they quit listening pretty quickly. They want to quit this “conversation” as soon as possible. They do not want to hear that you have been doing violence on their behalf, while their only thoughts of soldiers have been once a day at most when the news is on. They want you to hear what they think about war, or ask you what you think about Bush or Obama Administration. When in actuality that the world you live in all you care about is killing the enemy, protecting your buddies, and trying to get home alive. The horrors of war and the sending of young men and women is not what they want to hear, they want to know you are “ok” so they are in thier comfort zone and go back to thier cold coke and cheeseburger.

I had added a friend of mine from back in the day in college. Jon was a graduate student, a pastor, who said he wanted to know about PTSD. I thought finally someone who wants to know about the horrors of war and when those veterans come into church he will try and be there for them. Nope. He just needed information for his paper on PTSD and was more concerned with how it affected people who had developed PTSD here at home due to abuse. I understand their need for a counselor and advocate my thought is what about the veterans?

The I am ok scenario drives veterans crazy. People want a everything is ok environment and I did not and to this day do not know how to respond. Because if I am honest I would say I have killed a lot of bad guys and everytime you kill somebody a part of you dies, I have lost friends who were my family and I could not save them, and now that I am back I am not really back I am still there fighting for my life..so that is how I am doing. Now how uncomfortable would that be?There is no love for a political agenda or the love of battle. Its about doing the deed and bringing your friends back from the mission.

I grew up going to church. The life of a devout person is one of peace and love and that faith was grounded in me. In fact I went to a christian college for a year and was surrounded by friends who were dedicating their lives to share their faith. Nothing is more difficult than the thought of going to war and killing someone. But it took me less than a matter of seconds. When rounds were flying around my head and hearing that last groan of men as they are dying I shot my weapon and had no compunction about it. My job was to kill, bring my friends back safe, and try to make it back.

So the transition from battle front to home is a daunting task. PTSD is a defense mechanism not an illness. Its a way to survive. The problem is trying to transition back to being a normal guy again. Driving in traffic brings back of driving in Baghdad when you would drive as fast as possible, running people off the road, because you are concerned of road side bombs. Doing a Risk Assesment everytime you walk into a restaurant and sitting where you can see everybody and the door.

But you know what? The transition can be done and you have to be patient with yourself. While most dont want to know the hardships of a veteran, there are still those that do. Treasure those people they are a gift and treat them with care. You know what I tell people? I start with No I am not ok. And depending on response I either stop or I continue and say as any veteran I struggle coming home and saying everything is ok. Civilians need knowledge and we need to be honest with not only them but with ourselves. And if you say I have nobody which we can feel that way sometimes…1-800-273-TALK begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              1-800-273-TALK      end_of_the_skype_highlighting. That is where I started. They will listen. And there is me, shoot me an email I will always listen because I understand where you have been. I have this page for two reasons; to inform the public, and the most important reason to let the warrior know he is not alone.

Pella Iowa.  It is a small town I grew up since the age of eight.  Its a beautiful town of ten thousand people.   This town predominately of Dutch heritage take great pride in where they came from and their religious beliefs. Anyone would like to make it their hometown and I tried to come home.

I have spent my career in the Army, working as a Ranger, then Special Forces and then my career as a Anti Terroist Operator. Fighting in Panama in 1989 to ending my combat in Afghanistan and Iraq. My area of operation for eighteen years of my career was the Middle East and I speak Arabic, Pashto, and Persian fluently.  I am not rattling my own chain I am explaining the background before I came back to Pella.  I am divorced, my life was the guys on my team and my devotion to them and my country.  So when I first retired I was living first in Florida and then Idaho and happy to be in the mountains. I was struggling and not knowing what was going on.  I sought help at the VA Hospital and began my journey in realizing that I was still a warrior, but not on the battlefield but in my  mind.

In February of 2008 my Mom asked me to come home and I dropped what I was doing and came home.  It was so strange.  I felt like a foreignor and trying to fit in. My PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) consumed me at that point in my life.  And I was an outcast.  My own family disowned me and I tried to  explain but no one would listen.  I tried to work but in PTSD huge traumatic situations are normal and little things drive you crazy.  In my military job when people were late or not committed to the situation people died, you didnt backbite or gossip because you were a team and you were somebody special because you had proven yourself in combat.  Now at the convience store I was pusing buttons on a cash register with pictures on it so people would not press the wrong button.  With my own family not wanting me home, I  would be at home with voices from the past speaking to me, walls crashing in and I needed to get out.  Drinking would push the voices away for a bit and being alone and discouraged..I got a DUI.  Now my  name is in the paper  my siblings would show my mom how disappointing I was to my family.  I remember for years I was held in high esteem by my peers at work and now…I am a failure.

Things are better now.  Much better. Thanks to the VA hospital and realizing I am not alone. I am happy now back in the mountains, I am on track for a second career as I am a nursing student at Boise State,and Iam not pushing people away anymore  this is my new life.

Its embarrassing for me to write about my experience about trying to come home but I am not alone. There are thousands of veterans coming home to their hometowns and not fitting in.  Driving in traffic brings back memories of driving in Baghdad where everyone is trying to kill you, or you become co dependent in alcohol or drugs so you can keep the ghosts away. And as General Patton said, “Break glass in time of war.”  While everyone understands we need soldiers to protect us and this country when we soldiers are home and our not only wounded physically but also mentally it becomes uncomfortable.  And then we are ignored by those who do not understand.

So to the public I say that  these soldiers are different now if you dont reach out to them you are going to lose them. Not just from suicide but they will fall away from who they really are. And more importantly to you veterans, Know this..You are not alone, there is a VA Hosital near you and there are Vet Centers.  You have to reach out or you will cease to exist.  You have to learn how to talk or it will eat you up.  Man up.  Seek help.  And when your family  doesnt understand there are other  Vets who do.

Thanks for reading.

In my military career in special operations sixteen of those years  were spent in the Middle East Region and part of Africa.  From Desert Storm though Task Force Ranger in Somalia and then ending with Afghanistan and Iraq.  This post is based on my small role as a soldier and leader of  soldiers and opinions of  the ”War on Terror.”

  A generation ago every American knew where they were when Kennedy died and so it is with this generation knowing where they were when 9/11 occured .  Usama bin Muhammed bin Awad bin Laden or known by the E.  nglish Press as Osama bin Laden and known by government agencies as Usama bin Laden or UBL; is known to have inititated attacks against the United States.  UBL is the founder and leader of Al Qaeda. 

At the end of the Soviet/Afghan war in 1989 based upon his relationships in the Arab Terrorist Community and the goals was the advancement of  Islamic rebellions and repelling American forces from Middle East lands.  Since 1990 UBL has been involved in repelling American Forces and using Terrorist attacks, he was kicked out of Saudi, then he goes to Sudan.  Then in May 0f 1996 he moves himself  back to the haven of Afghanistan  and aligns himself  with the Taliban.  Starting in 1991 from attacks americans in Yemen who were on their way to Somalia  for peace keeping missions, There have been assasintaion attempt, and bombing.  One bombing was the Trade Center in New York City in 1993. While evidence of his doing is little at best its obvious its the directions and nature of the mission was UBL, and we go on to September 11,2001.  When nineteen Al Queda Operatives were involved in highjacking four planes and drove two planes into the Twin Towers, one at the Pentagon, and one in the rural field in Pennsylvania.  In all, 3000 people have died.

During the Clinton administration the plan was to send missles where he was belived to be in hiding in Afghanistan.  They were fruitless and unsuccessful.  The Prime Minister explained boots on the ground was what was needed.  Within 60 days I was on a specialtask force, Task Force 121 was made up of special operation operators .  At my level Ifound that having dicussions with local who supported our cause said that we were looking in the wrong place, and that cave system you keep shooting at does not penetrate but you need to get inside.  Well my team did get in.  And we saw what we needed a cold fire and tracks and we believed they were headed to Afghanistan.  So we were on a huntand hauled ass to catch up.  Seventy kilometers from the border I had our communications guy to call back and to tell command that Bin Laden was within reach and that we had just passed up a fire that was still warm.  The command relayed a command that came from much higher up  that told us to index or to come back to base.

People ask me where is UBL..I know where he has not been since the end of 2001 and the beginning of and that is not Afghanistan, because we were told to come back to base.  We were told we were going on the first hot plane home and refit for Iraq.  So the question that came to mind is, “Why did we let him go and if would  have got him would that have stopped the war on terror?”

So here is a bad guy who is responsible for the deaths of 3000 americans and he is let go.  Because someone wants to go to Iraq so bad and every reason that seems to come up is legitimate is personal, and the reasons given are lies and letters of deciet.  If we wanted to invade because how the Hussiens were tortuing their people and crippling the country that would be a yes.  There was no weapons of mass destruction,  oil was not an issue, there was no terrorism in Iraq until after we stayed there.  And Afghanistan has been forgotton, and we have left a power void in the country and it may end up in a pissing contest to see who is going to take over Iraq.  Iran?  Syria?  The sunnis? shias?  And meanwhile the Taliban are taking over Afghanistan  so now our push is to be there again.  We should have never left Afghanistan.

When  you get to the VA and sit down with a doctor on your first exam they ask you several questions. 

Have you been around dead bodies?  Have you ever been shot at?  Have you ever shot at anyone?  Have you experienced a roadside bomb? Did you receieve a head injury from it?  When you remember your combat experiences do you get a headache or nausea?  Have you ever been overrun?  Have soldiers around you ever been injured or died?  How close have you been to the enemy? 

So I was sitting there answering those questions and many more, thinking no wonder I feel like I do.  There is no going home.  Fitting in is not an option anymore.  I understand how I have friends who have left me because of ptsd and my inability to explain it to them.  That everyday will be a struggle with daymares and every night will be a struggle with nightmares, which are reliving the past and friends who have died.  And you dont want to just survive you want to live well.

So how do you do that?  For each person it is different.  I try to remember what was good about me, for me it was trying to be a man of character.  Surround yourself with good people or no one at all.  Find what makes you the happiest.  For me its being in the mountains and the woodline.  And be a person of generosity.  Get the focus off of you and on those who are suffering.  Volunteer. 

I try to do those things everyday.  There is no fail safe plan.  And everyday is still a struggle but I can say I am no longer just trying to survive, I am living.

Nothing is better than being back in the mountains.  It was not my first intention when I came home.  I went home to Iowa because I used to have a friend of 13 years, a best friend at one point, who did not want to be friends anymore.  I thought if I got home and he knew it, things would work itself out.  He is a good man but it points back to struggling with ptsd  and how it affects my view of the reality of life and I lost him in the process.  Well I could look back and feel sorry for myself  or I could do what I know is right.

What is right for me is I am the happiest in the mountains.  Boise State is an excellent school and am excited about going there and using my Post 9/11 GI Bill.  My experiences in transitioning after a career in combat can be my own struggles or I can use those experiences to help other veterans.  I will be volunteering here in Boise at the VA Vet Center as I get my degree in social work and counseling for my second career, this time as a PTSD counselor. 

Mike and Linda Anderson.  They are friends of mine in Des Moines Iowa who are shining examples to me of true friends and I like to think of as family.  I will always be there for them.

I promised myself  to be honest and transparent in this blog.  In the hope that anyone who read this and has experienced combat and feels like there is no home to come will realize they are not alone.  This will be the hardest post to write today.

I have to get back to the United States and get to the VA Hospital.  I have the money for the ticket but after that I do not have anything.  So I contacted the VA by email to see if I can get into the homeless program.  I have fallen so far.  I remember when I used to lead great soldiers and had a big house on 200 acres in Carolina  Pine and now I do not have a job or a place to stay.  There was a truck in the drive way, and a harley in the garage and a cell phone full of numbers of friends.

Friends.  Well one of two things have happened to my friends.  Most are dead.  Its the harsh reality and I deal with that daily.  And well the rest?  Well I have managed to chase them away.  I do not say this because I feel sorry for myself but I am all alone and its not good.  My parents have passed away and the rest think I am not the person I used to be.  My friend of 13 years abandoned me because of frustration I have had in my life. 

I have started this second half of my life and I have a plan to be the best I can.  I guess this is just another hurdle.